The initial reaction of any spouse who finds their mate is having an affair is usually anger and humiliation, quickly followed by frustration as they attempt to understand why the affair happened. For an innocent spouse, the single biggest mistake made is in trying to understand their partner's actions based on what they would or would not do. In most cases, it is impossible to second guess another person simply because their thoughts and emotions are different, yet innocent spouses in a marriage where adultery happens become absolutely consumed in their attempts to understand it.

Although the reasons for adultery are countless, it usually occurs when one spouse is attempting to replace emotional feelings they have lost. In most cases, contrary to belief, adultery is more of an emotional fulfillment than a physical need. Everyone wants to be needed, cared about and made to feel special. When those feelings cease at home, some spouses will look elsewhere to replace them.

On occasion, an insecure person will use adultery to supply a false sense of happiness and security in the same manner that a junkie uses drugs. Unfortunately, a false sense of happiness is only temporary and will not last long. True happiness must come from within and cannot be supplied by someone else.

An unhappy spouse can easily be made to feel good about themselves through an outside relationship. Look beyond the physical part of the adultery. Obviously, most adultery does not happen because two strangers met walking down the street and decided to have sex. Quite the contrary. Prior to the sex act, each person builds the other up emotionally, which provides the sense of warmth, security and happiness. These feelings usually last as long as one has the ability to continue making the other feel good about themselves. As I said, true happiness comes from within and when one person is dependent on another to provide their happiness, it will not last long. When the feelings cease, it's time to move on to another relationship.

So what really happens to a family when adultery occurs? Adultery is an absolute violation of every marriage and moral concept we have. It totally devastates an innocent spouse and often leaves permanent scars with no chance for trust to ever exist again.

Normally, the initial thoughts of the innocent spouse consist of;

Considering some of the above reactions, does the innocent spouse obtain any satisfaction? Usually no. Their actions amount to nothing more than a relentless need to get even, but nothing is resolved. Not only is nothing resolved, but in many instances, the relationship becomes worse. A good example is a wife who "needles" her husband, motivated only by her need to "show him she is not a fool." This "needling" frequently leads to physical violence. The answer is simple; leave him alone. If the husband has committed adultery, he will, or should have, some sense of guilt, which will cause stress and pressure. A wife who "digs" at him causes additional pressure. When the stress becomes unbearable, some husbands release pressure through violence.

An innocent spouse may feel rejected, humiliated, angry and vindictive. A vindictive spouse is capable of almost anything and most of the time their main motivation is to "get even."

A perfect example of a vindictive spouse would be a husband who, immediately after discovering that his wife is having an affair, runs to a lawyer with intention of filing for divorce and asking for custody of his children, simply as a means of getting even with his wife. He was motivated by hurt and pride, not by what was in the best interest of the children. He wanted her out of the house and paying him child support. That would show her. Unfortunately, when he consults with an attorney he learns that, although he could obtain a divorce on grounds of adultery, unless he could prove to the court that his wife was an unfit parent, she would probably retain custody of their children. In many cases, for a mother to be considered unfit, either the children would have to be directly exposed to the adultery or her actions would have to be detrimental to the children's welfare. In addition, the attorney probably also explained that since she would probably retain custody, she would also be awarded temporary use and possession of their home and he would be required to pay child support.

Obviously, that was far from what the husband expected. At that point, not only is he angry about the affair, now he is humiliated over the fact that not only was she unfaithful to him, she stood a good chance of getting everything in a divorce settlement. He just cannot allow that to happen. Usually, his only alternative at that point is to wait.

Realizing that his wife has committed adultery once, the husband decides against pursuing a divorce and begins to develop a methodical plan to prove his wife is an unfit parent. He may have convinced her that he has forgiven her for her affair, but behind her back he may be doing things like attaching tape recorders to their telephone line and continuously monitoring her activities; waiting patiently for the time that he can destroy her. Again, his entire motivation was based on vindictiveness because he believes that she has humiliated him.

I have seen cases where men waited patiently for years for the opportunity to destroy their wives and the wives never saw what was taking place. They never thought to question why their cold and impersonal husband wanted to continue living with them. Simple. He was counting the days and hours until he could pay her back for what she had done to him. Needless to say, no one was considering what was in the best interest of the children.

When one marital partner is caught having an affair, the biggest decision the innocent partner will make is whether or not to obtain a divorce. That decision is not easy and most of the time is governed by feelings of anger and resentment.

Some marriages have absolutely no foundation or basis for continuing and it probably is best to dissolve them following an outside relationship. After all, how do you repair something when you had nothing to start with. Continuing in these marriages is damaging to both spouses and their children, if any.

There are, however, those marriages that can be repaired in cases where one partner has committed adultery. Unfortunately, feeble attempts to mend the relationship usually fail because of impatience and the desire for an instant solution. There is no instant solution and properly mending a relationship can take as much as a year.

Deciding to attempt and repair the relationship should be based on what is best for everyone, especially children. Salvaging a marriage takes an unbelievable amount of effort. Failure to succeed is almost assured when that effort is rushed. Simply put, salvaging a marriage is like climbing a ladder and should be done one step at a time. When someone gets impatient and tries to jump past several steps, often a step will break and they tumble back to the ground. Impatience comes about easily because the innocent spouse simply wants their life back to normal. It is vital to remember that the problems in the marriage did not come about instantly, nor will they be resolved instantly.

Adultery itself is not the problem but the symptom of a problem. In many instances, adultery is brought about by insecurities in a person that could easily stem as far back as childhood. If these specific problems are properly addressed and dealt with, the adultery and the need for other relationships cease. In many cases, the need for another person, or the adultery, is just as much a mental illness as cancer is a physical illness. Just as with a physical illness, a mental illness can be treated if handled correctly. Simply put, the person involved in an affair may not be able to help themselves. That certainly is not true in all cases, but it is worth considering before filing a divorce complaint. In most instances, spouses usually do not consider adultery as being the result of a sickness because they refuse to see beyond the pain and humiliation it has caused.

Any spouse involved in an extra-marital relationship will usually develop changes in their attitude, patterns and lifestyle. The following are some typical signs a husband or wife involved in adultery might show; however, understand that these signs can apply to anyone. The true sign is normally a drastic change of some form. Your suspicions would certainly be justified if you discover your spouse's actions correspond to four or more of the following signs.

A spouse confronted with the possibility of adultery usually has three (3) basic choices;

When a spouse elects to retain the services of an investigator, they should have patience and allow the investigator to complete their work. Usually this is not the case. Regardless of whether or not they admit it, most marital partners attempting to deal with adultery are in a state of panic. The panic amounts to nothing more than;

One characteristic of every client who is in a state of panic is their inability to hear or follow any advise they are given. They have made up their minds what they want and are not interested in listening to anything that conflicts with their desires. This is usually a trait of a spouse determined to "get even".

If a client is not in a "get even" frame of mind, they can deal with the self-pity and lack of self-worth, but they must truly want to. After all, it's easier to feel sorry for one's self than it is to correct the problem, but the problem can be corrected by;

Once evidence of adultery is obtained, a spouse must immediately decide what to do; seek a divorce or attempt and salvage their marriage. In making their decision, they should;

Many spouses never consider that adultery can actually be used to salvage a marriage. Success is obtained only when a specific plan is followed. As an example, let's examine an actual case. A wife had obtained evidence proving her husband was having an affair. The following steps were initiated;

This was only the first step in the overall plan and each step had a specific reason. The wife had to separate herself from her husband after becoming aware of the adultery or she ran the risk of condoning his actions.

The divorce complaint was prepared because the written papers provided much more impact than verbally confronting the guilty spouse. A spouse caught in adultery who is verbally confronted usually believes they can talk their way out of their problem. The divorce complaint shows exactly how serious the innocent spouse is.

The complaint was not filed because a divorce was not the motive. Putting the guilty spouse under a great deal of pressure was. In addition to the complaint, other pressure can also be used. In reality, in most states, adultery is a crime and a guilty party can be prosecuted. There is also the threat of filing an alienation lawsuit against the party the guilty spouse was involved with. This is a lawsuit claiming the outside party disrupted or destroyed your marriage and you are seeking relief through the courts.

Why the need for pressure? If you approach a true alcoholic and tell them they have a problem, they will deny it, telling you they can stop drinking any time they choose. Let that same alcoholic run over a child while driving a car in an intoxicated state and suddenly they realize they need help.

As with an alcoholic, if adultery is the result of a problem, the person committing the adultery will deny the affair and the fact that they have a problem. The pressure the divorce complaint brings against a guilty spouse is the same as the alcoholic hitting the child. Suddenly, they see their world coming to an end through the loss of their family and are heartfully sorry for their actions. At that time, they may be receptive to counseling. Only through proper counseling will they be able to address the problem that lead to the adultery. Correct the problem and you correct the adultery. Fail to address the problem and in a matter of time they will become involved again.

During the crucial point at which the guilty spouse is receptive to counseling, it is vital to determine if they are truly sorry for their actions or simply sorry they were caught. Anyone truly sorry for their actions will seek the proper help necessary to correct their problem. A spouse who is only sorry they were caught is capable of doing almost anything necessary to void the evidence against them such as making unbelievable promises, using their children, counselors, preachers or the church. Their main motivation is to continue their marriage so their partner cannot use the evidence of adultery against them.

The second phase of the plan was to have the client carefully monitor her husband's actions. When he received the divorce complaint and realized she and the children had moved, he knew how serious she was. When he contacted her, she agreed to hold off on divorce proceedings provided he would move out of the house, allowing her and the children to return and would seek counseling, both alone and with her. He agreed because he would have done anything to hold on to his family.

As agreed, he left the residence and she and the children returned. Also as agreed, he got into a private counseling program and both of them began seeing a marriage counselor.

They remained living apart, but began dating several months later. The final result was that after approximately eight (8) months, they got back together and were happier than they had ever been. In counseling, he had discovered and dealt with several problems that went back to his youth. As a result, he no longer had a need for outside affairs.

The separation period also proved to the wife that he was not simply trying to get back in their home to void her evidence.

The plan worked perfectly, but took eight (8) months and this is the exception rather than the rule. Most people are not willing to spend that much time. They are looking for an instant solution. There is none and the problems that led to the adultery are never addressed or resolved. The marriage usually ends bitterly.

I cannot stress strongly enough that adultery is not the problem, but is often the result of a problem. The problem that caused the adultery did not occur overnight and resolving it will take time. If you do not have the patience to resolve it properly, end the marriage.

On occasion, a marriage partner will truly want a divorce. When a husband wants to end a marriage, his prime consideration is usually the cost factor. How much will he have to pay his wife? He has two basic avenues of approach in keeping his cost at an absolute minimum.

One is through intimidation. He attempts to make life so unbearable that his wife will simply pack her bags and leave. This is easily accomplished through various forms of both mental and physical abuse. In many cases, the intimidation is successful. The wife, scared to death, leaves and asks for nothing.

Another method used, especially when the husband is involved in an affair, is in telling his wife he loves her, but because she has so many faults, he needs a separation period. Once he moves out he indicates they should divorce, but can remarry if she gets "her" problems worked out. If the husband is successful, the wife believes she caused their marital problems and, based on his promise to remarry, she asks for nothing in divorce for fear of making him mad. Although this sounds ridiculous, keep in mind that the husband has probably been constantly finding fault with his wife in order to compensate for the guilt associated with his affair.

Regardless of which method is used, they amount to nothing more than mind games and are played primarily to motivate the other person to do what you want.

Although seldom used or realized, there is a simple defense to mind games. Do not play them or allow them to intimidate you. That is easier said than done.

Now, let's consider another factor. Are you the target of an investigation? You very well could be if you gained evidence of adultery through an investigation of your spouse and they are attempting to get back at you. If your spouse believes there is any possibility you may be involved with someone, they may employ an investigator to observe your activities. Their reasoning is simply that, if evidence of adultery is obtained against you, it will automatically void any evidence you have against them.

You could also become an investigative target if your spouse is intent on "getting even" with you for something you have done to them. For example, a husband may live only for the day he gets enough evidence to file for divorce and petition for the custody of his children because his wife has done something to hurt him. She may have had a previous affair because he paid absolutely no attention to her at home, but rather than accept any of the responsibility or deal with the situation, he develops a bitter obsession to "get back" at her.

Another example could be a wife who wants to "take her husband to the cleaners" because he has done something to hurt her. In cases where a husband leaves a wife, more often than not, she develops feelings of betrayal and humiliation which quickly turn to bitterness. How does she get even? The list is endless, but usually by attempting to "catch" him committing adultery. In the event that fails, she may resort to attempts to destroy his career or anything she believes is important to him.

In cases where a spouse becomes obsessed with the destruction of their partner, they are usually consumed with self-pity and believe that "getting even" will make them happy. It does not, but does demonstrate the cold, calculating, relentless and bitter emotions they develop after being hurt.

Not only are some spouses willing to go to any means, but some investigators they employ are also, which can include illegal means used to invade your privacy.

When confronted with a case of this nature, you can either do nothing or take an offensive stand and attempt to "turn the tables" on you marriage partner. Then it becomes a question of who gets who first.

Some of the tactics used may seem grossly unfair, but keep in mind, they are no more unfair than what the other spouse would do to you.

Turning the tables can be done, but every step must be carefully planned and certain procedures must be followed;

Believe it or not, a spouse obsessed with catching you can easily be manipulated if you know exactly what you are doing. With ingenuity, you can motivate your spouse to either use illegal means in attempting to obtain evidence against you or to become involved in an affair themselves.

Manipulating them into illegal activities is easier than you would believe. Remember, they are absolutely obsessed with obtaining evidence against you and as a result, will attempt to keep up with everything you do. As long as they are aware of your activities, they will do nothing more than continue monitoring from a distance, so to speak. When they cannot determine what you are doing is the time they will resort to any means available to them and some of these are illegal.

As an example, let's assume a husband is attempting to obtain evidence against his wife to prove her unfit. He may monitor her telephone conversations and casually check up on her activities, but as long as she is predictable, he will not resort to other means. There is no need to.

Now, let the same wife suddenly change her pattern and the husband will immediately become suspicious. Let's assume the wife comes home from work at or about 5:00 p.m., daily and does not go out again. That would constitute her regular pattern. Now, assume the same wife periodically began coming home at 6:30 p.m., as opposed to 5:00 p.m., and, further, she periodically leaves home for short periods of time at night.

Because of the change in pattern, the husband will immediately become suspicious that she is involved in an affair. Because his regular observation of her activities cannot provide him with the answer as to what is taking place, he must now resort to other means.

Initially he would probably either use investigators to follow her or he may attempt to do so himself. If this fails, he becomes frustrated and seeks other means. If he has not used a telephone monitoring device, he could easily start and he could also begin using investigators who rely on tracking transmitters.

Regardless of what he does, the wife has manipulated and frustrated him.

When a spouse does employ an investigator, be leery of the following;

If you are a target of investigation, the amount of time that an investigator can apply in attempting to obtain information against you depends on the finances available and the intensity of the person who retained the investigator. As an example, the wife of a physician retained an investigator who observed and carefully documented two separate affairs in which the husband was involved. One of the females he was seeing was married to his partner.

Her husband now has a serious dilemma. He does not want the evidence obtained against him to become public, so what are his alternatives? He can attempt to discredit the evidence against him. If that is not possible, he can attempt the "reconciliation trick." If that fails, he is suddenly confronted with the potential financial cost of a divorce. Well, there is one other alternative. If he could obtain evidence of adultery against his wife, his charges of adultery would simply be "canceled out" by hers. Although he may spend thousands of dollars on an investigator, that would be far less than the amount of the divorce settlement. So, he retains an investigator with the instructions, "I don't care what it costs, or what you have to do, get something."

Anyone can be an investigative target, but keep in mind; no investigator can obtain evidence of something that does not exist without manufacturing it. Very few will do that, but it is a possibility.

On many occasions, a spouse obsessed with catching their partner begins an affair themselves. Believe it or not, an obsessed spouse feels frustrated and, on occasion, guilty. It is not uncommon for them to seek a relationship for purposes of making them feel good about themselves.

Regardless of what happens, these cases amount to nothing but mind games and are usually won by the spouse with the most patience and ingenuity.