In the 1960's and 70's, women were going to work, back to college and pursuing
careers as never before, so they began telling fathers that they must take
a more active role in raising their children. As a result, a change began
as fathers became more involved in the day-to-day care of their children.
Although the rigidity regarding parental roles began to fall away, the Tender
Years Doctrine remained in place; a doctrine presuming that by virtue of
the fact that a woman was the mother of a child, she must be the superior
parent.
In the early 1970's several states began passing "no-fault" divorce laws,
where anyone who wanted out of a marriage was free to leave. Following these
divorces, many fathers wanted to continue their involvement in the daily
care of their children. They quickly found, however, that they had no legal
right to have custody of their children unless the mother had agreed to it.
Soon thereafter, states began to pass joint custody laws. Joint custody was
widely seen as a better way of handling the problem of how to share child
custody. It was believed that it would lead to fewer fights over the custody
of children because it was more equal.
Most fathers and mothers welcomed joint custody. Others did not and, as a
result, problems arose. Child custody became a highly political and
gender-specific issue which resulted in major disputes. In the majority of
states, the tender years presumption was replaced by the
"best-interests-of-the-child" presumption.
In the 1980's courts increasingly began to ignore the gender factor in
determining child custody, which removed the automatic allocation of full
custody rights to the mother so she had less time with the children. Instead,
they looked first at how the custody could be shared, and if that wasn't
possible, the courts attempted to determine which parent was more interested
and better able to attend to the best interest of the child.
Most parents are able to share custody of their children, and they work out
childcare issues in an friendly manner. Many mothers were relieved to have
fathers share childcare, which enabled them to pursue their personal goals.
However, when there was no friendly resolution to custody, fathers found
themselves with a greater opportunity to gain joint or primary custody by
going to court. Thus began attempts on the part of some parents to alienate
the child's affection toward the other. With increasing child custody disputes
has come a growth in "parental alienation syndrome." Aided by one parent,
the child develops an obsessive and totally irrational hatred of the other.
The term "Parental Alienation Syndrome" was coined by Dr. Richard A. Gardner,
a child psychiatrist at the Columbia University College of Physicians and
Surgeons in New York. Dr. Gardner first identified Parent Alienation Syndrome
in the 1980s. He noticed a dramatic increase in the frequency of a disorder
rarely seen before, that of programming or brainwashing of a child by one
parent to "smear" the other parent. The disorder not only consisted of
"brainwashing" by a parent, but was compounded by self-created contributions
by the child in support of the alienating parent's campaign against the targeted
parent.
The Parental Alienation Syndrome is a disorder that arises primarily in the
context of child-custody disputes. Its primary manifestation is the child's
campaign of denigration against a parent, a campaign that has no justification.
It results from the combination of a programming or brainwashing of the parent's
indoctrinations and the child's own contributions to the vilification of
the target parent.
Dr. Gardner notes that the PAS is more than brainwashing or programming,
because the child has to actually participate in the denigrating of the alienated
parent. This is done in primarily the following eight ways:
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The child denigrates the alienated parent with foul language and severe
oppositional behavior.
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The child offers weak, absurd, or frivolous reasons for his or her anger.
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The child is sure of him or herself and doesn't demonstrate love for the
alienated parent, only hate.
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The child exhorts that he or she alone came up with ideas of denigration.
The independent-thinker phenomenon is where the child asserts that no one
told him to do this.
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The child supports and feels a need to protect the alienating parent.
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The child does not demonstrate guilt over cruelty towards the alienated parent.
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The child uses borrowed scenarios, or vividly describes situations that he
or she could not have experienced.
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Animosity is spread to the friends and/or extended family of the alienated
parent.
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In severe cases of parent alienation, the child is utterly brainwashed against
the alienated parent. The alienator can truthfully say that the child doesn't
want to spend any time with the other parent.
Douglas Darnall, in his book Divorce Casualties: Protecting Your Children
from Parental Alienation, describes three categories of PA. The mild category
he calls the nave alienators. They are ignorant of what they are doing and
are willing to be educated and change. The moderate category is the active
alienators. When they are triggered, they lose control of appropriate boundaries.
They go ballistic. When they calm down, they don't want to admit that they
were out of control. In the severe category are the obsessed alienators or
those who are involved in PAS. They operate from a delusional system where
every cell of their body is committed to destroying the other parent's
relationship with the child. In the latter case, he notes that we don't have
an effective protocol for treating an obsessed alienator other than removing
the child from their influence (p. 11).
An important point is that in PAS there is no true parental abuse and/or
neglect on the part of the alienated parent. If this were the case, the child's
animosity would be justified. Also, it is not PAS if the child still has
a positive relationship with the parent, even though one parent is attempting
to alienate the child from him or her.
Gardners statistics showed that the majority of PAS occurrences were initiated
by mothers, usually 90% of the time. Mothers have traditionally had primary
custody of children, and usually spent more time with the children. In order
for a campaign of alienation to occur, one parent needs to have considerable
time with the child. However, in recent years increasing numbers of fathers
are instigating PAS, since there are few legal sanctions for doing so.
When parents first separate there is often parent alienation. For example,
due to the anxiety of the mother, she is likely to implicitly impart to a
child that he or she is not safe with the father. She might say "Call me
as soon as you get there to let me know you are okay." "If you get scared,
you call me right away. Okay?" "I'll come get you if you want to come home."
Usually this level of alienation dies down after the separating couple get
used to changes brought on by the separation and move on with their lives.
However, in rare cases, the anxiety does not calm down, it escalates. PAS
parents are psychologically fragile. When things are going their way, they
can hold themselves together. However, when they are threatened, they can
become fiercely entrenched in preserving what they see is rightfully theirs.
Only a small percentage end up in this level of conflict.
To many PAS parents, having total control over their child is a life and
death matter. Because they don't understand how to please other people, any
effort to do so always has strings attached. They don't give; they only know
how to take. They don't play by the rules and are not likely to obey a court
order.
The parent may be diagnosed as a narcissistic, or self-centered, where they
presume that they have a special entitlement to whatever they want. They
believe that there are rules in life, but only for other people, not for
them.
They may be diagnosed as a sociopath, a person who has no moral conscience.
These are people who are unable to have empathy or compassion for others.
They are unable to see a situation from another person's point of view,
especially their child's point of view. They don't distinguish between telling
the truth and lying in the way that others do.
In spite of admonitions from judges and mental health professionals to stop
alienating, they can't. The prognosis for severely alienating parents is
poor. It is unlikely that their condition will ever be corrected. It is also
unlikely that they will ever stop trying to eternalize the alienation. It
is simply a survival issue to them.
At birth, children are totally reliant on a parent, usually the mother, for
having all of their needs met. It is part of normal child development to
be enmeshed with their primary caregiver and very young children do not have
a separate identity from this caregiver. One of the mother's roles is to
help the child develop as a separate person, therefore, infancy and childhood
become a series of tasks of learning how to become independent. For example,
learning to put oneself back to sleep, eating, toilet training and caring
for one's hygiene. Instead of promoting this independence, the alienating
parent encourages continued dependence. The parent may insist on sleeping
with the child, feeding the child and taking care of these rites of passage
longer than normal child development calls for. This spoiling may not feel
right to the child, but they do not have enough ego strength to do anything
about it.
A PAS mother cannot even imagine that the father is capable of planning the
child's time while in his care. Therefore, she arranges several things for
the child to do while at the father's house. One of the most common ways
of doing this is to sign the child up for on-going lessons without permission
from the father. The parent may even decree whom the child can and cannot
see, particularly specific members of the child's extended family on the
father's side. The mother desperately wants control over the time when the
child is not with her.
When children spend time with the father, and enjoy it, they are put into
a double bind. Clearly, they cannot tell the mother that dad treats them
well or that they had fun together. They want to bond with the father, but
do not dare. They figure out quickly who has the power and their survival
needs tug at them. Therefore, children will tell the mother about everything
they did not enjoy about time spent with the father, which will add to her
belief that they do not like to be with him. These children feel that they
must protect their mother. The same is true when the alienator is the father.
The child will avoid expressing their affectionate feelings for the mother
to him.
The alienating parents hatred can have no bounds. The severest form will
bring out every horrible allegation known, including claims of domestic violence,
stalking and the sexual molestation of the child. Many fathers say that there
have been repeated calls to the Department of Family and Child Services alleging
child abuse and neglect. In most cases the investigators report that they
found nothing wrong. However, the indoctrinating parent feels that these
reports are not fabrications, but very, very real. She can describe the horror
of what happened in great detail. Regardless of the actual truth, in her
mind, it did happen. Fathers ask, "How can she lie like that?" They simply
do not realize that these lies are not based on rational thinking. They are
incapable of understanding the difference between what is true and what they
want to be true. A vital part of fighting PAS is to understand the severity
of the psychological disturbance that is the source of it.
Alienation advances when the alienating parent uses the child as a personal
therapist. The child is told about every miserable experience and negative
feeling about the alienated parent with great specificity. The child, who
is already trapped with the parent because his or her identity is still
undefined, easily absorbs the parent's negativity. They become aligned with
this parent and feel that they need to be the protector of the alienating
parent.
Obviously, without anyone to stop the alienation from progressing, the child
will become estranged from the alienated parent. The relationship with this
parent will eventually be severed. It is doubtful that, without psychological
intervention as the child grows, he or she will ever understand what happened.
The child's primary role model will be the dysfunctional parent. He or she
will not have the benefit of growing up with the most well-adjusted parent
and all that this parent can contribute to enrich the child's life. Many
of these children experience serious psychiatric problems. Without someone
who can recognize the syndrome and counsel the child about it, they may never
grow up and realize what happened to them.
Those people who are typically called upon to handle such difficult situations,
such as the police, social workers, attorneys or psychologists assume that
what the frightened mother is saying is true. These things can and do happen.
There are men who are seriously disturbed, violent, out of control sexually,
and stalk, who should be feared. The mother is very convincing in her desperation
and vivid in her descriptions. In addition, the alienated child collaborates
with the mother by saying, "Yes, I am afraid of my father." "Yes, my father
did touch me down there." "Yes, he does beat me."
Therapists will most probably never realize the severity and depth of this
problem if they are not trained in this level of pathology. In many cases,
they unintentionally side with the alienating parent and even testify or
produce evidence in court that the child is afraid of the father. This can
be a serious stumbling block in getting an accurate diagnosis and can actually
tip the scale into the alienating parent's agenda and do real damage.
Our courts, social services and mental health workers are all committed to
stop child abuse and neglect when they see it occurring. In PAS, however,
the most dramatic complaint ends up being acted upon before there is an
investigation as to the accuracy of the allegation. This allows the alienating
parent considerable time to proceed with the alienation. By the time all
of the evaluations are in place and the case is heard by the court, considerable
damage has been done to the child. Ironically, the very people we turn to
for help in such a difficult situation can often be those who most contribute
to allowing the on-going abuse and neglect of the child to continue.
It takes a sophisticated mental health professional to be able to identify
that PAS is occurring. Most forensic evaluators such as psychiatrists and
clinical psychologists at the Ph.D. level have studied the disorder and are
able to recognize it. Forensic evaluators diagnose PAS by having the parents
take a battery of psychological tests, doing a detailed case history and
by observation. They make recommendations as to what to do. Once the evaluator
has written a report of the family and made recommendations, nothing will
happen to resolve the crisis without court intervention. The alienated parent
has to take the report to a judge who must then be convinced that the child
is being alienated and that it is not in their best interest to remain in
that environment. It is rare that judges have any degree of mental health
training. They most often learn about PAS from the bench. It usually takes
several trips to court to point out how badly a child is being treated before
a judge is willing to act.
Judges are inevitably conservative in their orders. Even when the evidence
is overwhelming that the alienation is occurring, the court order may still
end up saying, "the parents are to make joint decisions about the child's
welfare," when this is impossible to do. This is further evidence that the
judge does not understand the magnitude of the problem. Judges have been
slow to place serious sanctions on the alienating parent. If there is no
threat of severe fines, jail time or sole custody to the targeted parent,
the chances are less likely that the out-of-control parent can be stopped.
It usually takes a dramatic situation where court orders are broken to force
the court to change primary custody. Often it is only a matter of time before
alienating parents become desperate and their unstable mental health gets
the better of them. People in an official position start to recognize the
alienating parent as being out of line, and become supportive of the targeted
parent.
Many of those who have won against a PAS situation:
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Completed a comprehensive parenting course and continued until they rated
excellent in the knowledge, skills and methods taught there. Thus, their
parenting skills became superior.
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Were even tempered, logical and keep their emotions under control. They never
retaliated. A person who reacts in anger is proving the alienator's point
that he or she is unstable.
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Thought of giving up but never did. No matter how awful the harassment got,
they worried about leaving their daughter or son in that environment. They
were driven to continue trying to get the court to understand the seriousness
of the issues and to change primary custody to them.
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Were willing and able to go to the financial expense of seeing it through.
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Got legal representation from a skilled family lawyer who had experience
with parent alienation syndrome. The parent became good at understanding
how the courts work and the law as it applied to their case. Because of excessive
expenses, they often ended up as Pro Se or Pro-Per where they were without
counsel and representing themselves.
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Had a case where a forensic evaluator made a strong statement about the
alienation and recommend changing legal and primary custody to the alienated
parent. Some parents had to go back to the evaluator to demonstrate that
his or her earlier recommendations were not working.
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Had persevered in demonstrating that they were rational, reasonable, and
had the best interest of the child at heart. They provided the court with
an appropriate parenting plan that showed that the child would be well taken
care of in their care.
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Even though they and their children were being victimized, they understood
the nature of the problem and focused more on what to do about it. Alienated
parents who got caught up in how terrible it all is and spent time judging
the situation, went under emotionally. Thus, the successful ones did not
live a victim's life. They were proactive in seeking constructive action.
They avoided adding to the problem.
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Kept a diary or journal of key events, describing what happened and when.
They documented the alienation with evidence that was admissible in court.
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Always called or showed up to pick up their children, even if they knew that
the children would not be there. This was often very painful, but then they
could document that they tried, when the alienator alleged that this parent
had no interest in the child.
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Focused on enjoying their children's company and never talked to their children
about their case. They always took the high road and never talked badly about
the other parent to their children. They absolutely never showed a child
any court orders or other sensitive documents. They did not let the children
overhear inappropriate conversations on the telephone.
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Did not violate court orders. They paid their child support on time and proved
that they could live within the letter of the law.
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Were truly decent, principled people. It was obvious that they love their
children.
PAS cases are the most difficult to figure out, even for professionals in
the field of divorce. Once the syndrome is discovered, it is even harder
to figure out what to do about it. It is important to be connected and supported
by compassionate people while going through such a difficult time.
Resources for PAS:
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Creating a Successful Parenting Plan: A Step-by-Step Guide For the Care of
Children of Divided Families by Dr. A. Jayne Major has been used by many
parents to decide on the best strategies to use. The book includes ideas
for preparing for a psychological evaluation and shows how to design a parenting
plan to present to professionals. A disk of the parenting plan form that
enables the parent to individualize the plan to their situation is also
available. The book and disk are available from the publisher at (800) 770-7935.
http://www.livingmedia2000.com for more information.
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The Parent Alienation Syndrome Dr. Richard Gardner's call (800) 544-6162
or visit his web site, located at URL http://www.rgardner.com.
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Still a Dad by Serge Prengel. Describes how a father who is frustrated in
his parenting role feels. It also has excellent strategies on what to do
in difficult situations. His book can be obtained by calling (212) 337-3737.
His web site has several good links, http://www.divorcedfather.com.
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Dr. Deirde Rands' two part article that reviews the literature on PAS and
was published in the American Journal of Forensic Psychology. Refer
to Volume 15 No. 3, 1997, at www.robin.no/~dadwatch/pasdir or refer
to an additional site, www.fact.on.ca/Info/pas/rand01.htm.
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Divorce Casualties: Protecting Your Children from Parental Alienation by
Dr. Douglas Darnall. It can be purchased at bookstores, www.Amazon.com or
www.barnesandnoble.com. See parentalienation.com/PASdirectory/htm.